Ive experienced something I have never felt before. Last night was a quiet one, just reading and doing art in my apartment. Decided to watch one of my favorite movies and try to get to sleep. The first time that I have even attempted sleep in the past month without a few drinks in me, or pills, or bowl packs. I was just trying to get some normalcy back in me, and Im going to visit home in a few days and Im not trying to not be able to sleep all weekend. So Im watching and reading some things and I just get this overwhelming feeling deep inside of me, like anxiety but even deeper. I just kept thinking about everything that has been thrown away, how different my life is now. How when I hangout with this one guy, I already act like I did with my ex because that is the only way I even know how to act anymore. I dont want to be with anyone, but my actions have been sending mixed signals. I feel like I have no control over it when he already likes me so much. I dont even want to be with myself. I just started sobbing. Lamenting the fact that I am lost, and that I am too strong to be lost, too smart to be lost, too amazing to be lost! But I also realize that I have been lost for some time now, for a long time actually. Right then, I felt it, I felt a presence come in, I felt what I can only describe as a smile just dangling above me. I started praying. I am a person of faith, I pray often and rejoice in God’s word occasionally. But nothing has ever felt like this, I really really prayed for the first time in my whole life. I gave it all to god. I gave every little problem, every chunk of the broken heart inside of me, I let it go. I asked him to take over my life from now on. To guide me to the right path because I have been wandering around trying to figure it out for way too long. And prayed and cried and really truly honestly felt such a relief. The first time I have felt so free in years. No amount of substance could ever come close to how I felt, just sitting on my bed asking for grace. Amen. Things settled down, I stayed up a little while longer, just thinking about everything. I still shed a few tears for the things I will forever miss. The things that I wish he could be a part of, even this feeling of the lords hand in my life. I used to pray every night that he would see the light of the lord like I had, that we could build a relationship with a strong foundation of God. But he was not one accept that, and I never pushed it, ever. I finally fell asleep, still a burden returning to my heart.
What I am about to tell you next has changed me as a person forever. I’m not sure what I was dreaming about but the words Psalm 139 kept replaying in my head and I would wake up. And I thought to myself, wow I should remember that and find it and read it tomorrow. Then I went back to sleep and it kept playing a role in my dreams. Psalm 139, Psalm 139, psalm 139….I woke up this morning with it still in my head and immediately looked it up.
You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
How amazing to be heard!!!! God has always had a hand in my life, but I have never experienced something as fullfilling as asking and RECEIVING. I have been spoken to. No matter the dark places I have let myself get to, God was always there. No matter the problems that arise, God is always there. People tell me I am a strong person, but it is because I know that God is always there. And he was there for me last night and his words were there for me this morning. And he is there for you as well. I dont try to change anyone’s beliefs because they aren’t genuine EVER unless you change them yourself, for your own reasons. But this is my testament.
